Someow, through the chaos, through the endless packing and purging, it's all coming together. Tommorow, they come and stage the place. And the first part is done.
Somewhow, it always gets done. Of course, there's no other option but to get it done.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
The dream
And what a dream. Significant in so many ways. Telling in so many others. Empowering. Teaching.
First, it was the color. Black. I was wearing all black. A color I associate with confidence. A color that always empowers me. Makes me feel more confident than I actually am feeling.
I was standing on some sort of a very narrow bridge. Not even a bridge , more a narrow cemented long platform. Narrow, very narrow. Dangerously so.
And then there was the deep dark abyss below. A very frightening abyss of which I was terrified. Petrified, actually.
Petrified of the height I was at. Petrified that I would fall, even if I let out a single breath. That a single movement, even so slight, would plunge me downwards.
And so I was standing there absolutely paralyzed.
I called out for help. And no one heard me. And all I could hear was snoring.
And for a minute I felt that this was the end. I would fall.
And then , suddenly, the energy. I saw it in the physical sense, at first. In my body. In my muscles that were so taut, so toned, so powerful. The muscles in my abdominal core and in my arms. And then I felt the energy in the mental sense. In my mind telling me that this was not the end. That this was too soon to be the end. That I could get out of this. Easily and on my own.
And from the state of being too scared of even breathing, I lifted my arms upwards, grabbed the surface above me and in one great surge of muscular power, hoisted myself up. And lifted myself over the abyss. To safe ground.
And the rush, the adrenalin rush, man, that felt good. It was what I needed.
It is what I need.
First, it was the color. Black. I was wearing all black. A color I associate with confidence. A color that always empowers me. Makes me feel more confident than I actually am feeling.
I was standing on some sort of a very narrow bridge. Not even a bridge , more a narrow cemented long platform. Narrow, very narrow. Dangerously so.
And then there was the deep dark abyss below. A very frightening abyss of which I was terrified. Petrified, actually.
Petrified of the height I was at. Petrified that I would fall, even if I let out a single breath. That a single movement, even so slight, would plunge me downwards.
And so I was standing there absolutely paralyzed.
I called out for help. And no one heard me. And all I could hear was snoring.
And for a minute I felt that this was the end. I would fall.
And then , suddenly, the energy. I saw it in the physical sense, at first. In my body. In my muscles that were so taut, so toned, so powerful. The muscles in my abdominal core and in my arms. And then I felt the energy in the mental sense. In my mind telling me that this was not the end. That this was too soon to be the end. That I could get out of this. Easily and on my own.
And from the state of being too scared of even breathing, I lifted my arms upwards, grabbed the surface above me and in one great surge of muscular power, hoisted myself up. And lifted myself over the abyss. To safe ground.
And the rush, the adrenalin rush, man, that felt good. It was what I needed.
It is what I need.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Change. And then some more.
2008 has been about transitions. Major transistions. And here I am in, on Sept 10, 2008 finding myself at the brink of yet another one.
We are thinking of selling the condo. And as exciting as it may be, from a financial point of view, it is going to be a major change. And an even more major amount of work. Setting up the condo for viewing. Putting away stuff. Thinking of where to move. Packing. Unpacking. Moving out. Moving in. School districts. Neighborhoods.
And in between all that, two kids. The Franchise investment. Taxes. US properties.
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. My mind does not even want to think of all this. And yet there is no option but to think of all this.
Because this is life. Had I thought, at 23, life would be all this. NO. Big NO.
And yet, at 34, it is what it is right now. And the only way I make any sense of it to myself, is that it is all going to work out and work out for the best. Am I merely trying to convince myself, I don't know. All I know is that by thinking this, I get through it. And that is what I need to do right now. Get through this.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm the mind. Clear the thoughts. And get on with it.
Maybe 2009 will be the year. Then again, maybe not.
All I know is for now, 2008 is what I need to tackle. Starting tomorrow.
Let the change begin. Yet again.
We are thinking of selling the condo. And as exciting as it may be, from a financial point of view, it is going to be a major change. And an even more major amount of work. Setting up the condo for viewing. Putting away stuff. Thinking of where to move. Packing. Unpacking. Moving out. Moving in. School districts. Neighborhoods.
And in between all that, two kids. The Franchise investment. Taxes. US properties.
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. My mind does not even want to think of all this. And yet there is no option but to think of all this.
Because this is life. Had I thought, at 23, life would be all this. NO. Big NO.
And yet, at 34, it is what it is right now. And the only way I make any sense of it to myself, is that it is all going to work out and work out for the best. Am I merely trying to convince myself, I don't know. All I know is that by thinking this, I get through it. And that is what I need to do right now. Get through this.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm the mind. Clear the thoughts. And get on with it.
Maybe 2009 will be the year. Then again, maybe not.
All I know is for now, 2008 is what I need to tackle. Starting tomorrow.
Let the change begin. Yet again.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Her and me
As I write this, she is sitting on my lap, balanced between my arms. She is making those jerky movements with her arms that 3 month old babies make. And constantly cooing and drooling. She is wearing an orange onesie and dotted blue and beige pyjamas. She is smelling of Calendula oil which I massaged her with an hour ago. Her hair has grown.
Me. I am wearing my black lululemon yoga pants. Because they are the only things that will comfortably fit my post pregnancy body. A black nursing T-shirt. Nursing , as in it has these flaps you can conveniently lift when you have to nurse. My hair is dripping, since I just had a shower. The shower that followed my half an hour of swimming and sauna. My hair has grown too.
Gia and me. We are slowly, but surely getting used to each other. She knows me now. My face, that is. I am getting to know her every day. Her soul.
I call her girlfriend, and whenever I go, "hey, girlfriend", she instantly smiles and her face lights up.
She is that. My friend. My daughter. My little Gia.
And what a billiant end. She just pooped. And I must go change her diaper.
Me. I am wearing my black lululemon yoga pants. Because they are the only things that will comfortably fit my post pregnancy body. A black nursing T-shirt. Nursing , as in it has these flaps you can conveniently lift when you have to nurse. My hair is dripping, since I just had a shower. The shower that followed my half an hour of swimming and sauna. My hair has grown too.
Gia and me. We are slowly, but surely getting used to each other. She knows me now. My face, that is. I am getting to know her every day. Her soul.
I call her girlfriend, and whenever I go, "hey, girlfriend", she instantly smiles and her face lights up.
She is that. My friend. My daughter. My little Gia.
And what a billiant end. She just pooped. And I must go change her diaper.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Black
I like black. There is something so "out there" about black. Something so raw and then something so honest in it's rawness. It's bloody honest.
To me , wearing black just feels right. It does not feel like I am trying hard. Oh no, it just settles in. Cloaks me with an easy comort and yet exudes so much energy at the same time. It's so peaceful and then so powerful . So strong. So, there.
Just feels so right. Like an armour. Solid as hell. Bring it on kind of solid as hell. The perfect defense mechanism. A camoflage. Maybe, a mask.
It lends me the energy that I sometimes lack. Gives me the confidence that I am not sure I have. Makes me stronger. Feels like a signature.
It's definitly a friend and now, more than ever I feel very close to the color. It has come in and gone out of my life very frequently. But this time, it's back and I know it is here to stay. Because I want it to.
To me , wearing black just feels right. It does not feel like I am trying hard. Oh no, it just settles in. Cloaks me with an easy comort and yet exudes so much energy at the same time. It's so peaceful and then so powerful . So strong. So, there.
Just feels so right. Like an armour. Solid as hell. Bring it on kind of solid as hell. The perfect defense mechanism. A camoflage. Maybe, a mask.
It lends me the energy that I sometimes lack. Gives me the confidence that I am not sure I have. Makes me stronger. Feels like a signature.
It's definitly a friend and now, more than ever I feel very close to the color. It has come in and gone out of my life very frequently. But this time, it's back and I know it is here to stay. Because I want it to.
Let there be music
Music makes me happy. It takes me away.
It lifts my soul, gets me through the day, especially through the mundane parts of the day.
I am rediscovering it.
For a few hours. Or all day. Dido. Or Anwar. Rhythm. Or lyrics. Country. Or trance.
So, let the music begin.
It lifts my soul, gets me through the day, especially through the mundane parts of the day.
I am rediscovering it.
For a few hours. Or all day. Dido. Or Anwar. Rhythm. Or lyrics. Country. Or trance.
So, let the music begin.
A lazy drunken ABBA weekend
Kept Rohan home on Friday. It's nice to give hin the break from school sometime. Took him and Gia to the ROM. Gia slept through it. Rohan had a good time. I survived. So all was good. I had the cocktails to go to later in the evening- thing from Rohan's school- getting together to say goodbye to Lara's mom, since they were leaving for Norway on the weekend. Gia gave Rajesh a hard time. Refused the bottle, kept waking up, cried. Fed her when I cam back and she wa fine then. Then we watched Hancock. The only bit worth watching was how good Charlize Theron looked. rest was crap. What were you thinking, Will Smith?
Saturday, Lazy day. Syaen, Yvette Alyssa came overfor dinner. Beef curry and aloo parathas from Little India. Lots of Cosmopolitan. Lots of drunkeness. Listened to music I had downloaded befire. Dido. ABBA. Talked. More cosmopolitan. Kids made a huge mess. Everyone had a good time. Wound up late. Very late.
Sunday. Woke up at noon. Lazy for a few hours. Then cleaned up. Felt good about it . Have been not doing the whole Sunday cleaning thing . Lit agarbattis, house smelled clean. Rajesh and me talked. Then, Yevette and me went to watch Mama Mia. Across the street. Carlton Cinemas. Fantastic movie. An even more fantastic Meryl Streep. And the music made me want to dance. The mother daughter sequence - touching!
Saturday, Lazy day. Syaen, Yvette Alyssa came overfor dinner. Beef curry and aloo parathas from Little India. Lots of Cosmopolitan. Lots of drunkeness. Listened to music I had downloaded befire. Dido. ABBA. Talked. More cosmopolitan. Kids made a huge mess. Everyone had a good time. Wound up late. Very late.
Sunday. Woke up at noon. Lazy for a few hours. Then cleaned up. Felt good about it . Have been not doing the whole Sunday cleaning thing . Lit agarbattis, house smelled clean. Rajesh and me talked. Then, Yevette and me went to watch Mama Mia. Across the street. Carlton Cinemas. Fantastic movie. An even more fantastic Meryl Streep. And the music made me want to dance. The mother daughter sequence - touching!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Strike One
Cooked in the morning. Biryani (which turned out a bit mushy, yet delicious). Channa dal (for tommorow). Mailed Rohan's SIN card application. Uploaded cottaging trip pics to Picasa. Sorted some pics in Picasa while Gia slept. Spoke to Ruhi. Laughed till tears rolled. ( Best friends kinda laughter) Walked with Gia in stroller to her doctor's appointment. She got her first shot. I got my check up done - Pap and all that. Also got the refferal for the dermatologist- the pesky wart's time has come. Walked back. Small Iced Cappucino. Stroll around Winner's. Now home.
Not bad for one day.
Not bad for one day.
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