Biwi ho to aisi

Here's the thing.

I know some inter racial couples. Indian men , my friends and mostly colleagues at work, married to white women-Canadian, American , Australian. And Indian women married to non Indian men.

And I for one, am all for inter racial, multi cultural marriages. Relationships must not be limited by ethnicity or cultural backgrounds. I get that.

But here's what I don't get. More often than note, whenever I talk to these couples, here's how it goes. Indian man- non Indian woman. The husband, for one will more often than not emphasize the fact that, his non Indian wife is actually so Indian. And to be honest I am not even quite sure what he means by actually so Indian- I mean, you are Indian, if you are Indian - if you're not Indian then you're Canadian, or American or Japanese.

Anyway, I smile along as he continues to state how his non Indian wife is so Indian- like, you know, she can cook Indian food, wear a salwar kurta or a sari, say namaste to the aunties, do oil massage for the kids, light diyas for Diwali and all those other things that , I am guessing in his mind, qualify one to be an Indian. She even went to India and ate street food and did not complain about anything, he adds. Oh yes, and she can dance in a sari at an Indian wedding.

And you know, I smile along and I even think that it is nice. She is making an effort to embrace his culture.

But here's the problem. Another conversation with the same set of people and now they are talking of a the other couple. Indian woman married to a non Indian man. And they are slamming her for having become so "American" and trying to embrace her husband's culture. Huh?

You know, like decorating the tree for Christmas, learning to cook a good Thanksgiving turkey, drinking wine (huh?????), not wearing a salwar kameez enough . Basically , they say, she is losing touch with her Indian culture.

Okay, so. Non Indian wife embracing Indian culture for sake of Indian husband is to be glorified. But Indian wife embracing North American culture for sake of non Indian husband is shameful.

Because:

(a) Indian culture is the best and the only one to be embraced?
(b) Non Indian woman marrying Indian man must try her best to be a good Indian wife by embracing his culture? But Indian woman marrying non Indian man must try her best to hang on to her culture because that will make her a good Indian wife.
(c) You marry a non Indian person but then want them to be "actually very Indian" and that they do by doing a few "Indian" things even though they are really not Indian.
(c) Hypocrisy? Plain and simple.

You tell me.

Just saying

Show me a power failure in India and I will point out to you the sheer dependency of people in the Western worlds, on their microwaves and their phones and their computers so that when there is a single power outage in Canada or the US, the city comes to a disruptive stop.

Talk to me in that high handed tone of an expat living within a gated community about the poverty that can be seen on the roads as you drive past in your air conditioned chauffeur driven car and I will point out the drug addicts and homeless people that line the streets of any major metro of the US and Canada.

Tell me about the corruption that seems to stick in your heads around dinner conversations with your other expat friends and how frustrated you are because it drags India down and I will remind you of the very recent financial crisis of North America.

Patronize me with your talks of the good volunteering service you provide every few days with a bunch of other friends and then talk of how you are contributing to the good of India over some expensive red wine at your kitty parties because maybe you think you owe the country that and I will talk to you about the likes of Sunitha Krishnan who after being gang raped at the age of 14 runs a woman organization that has rescued over 300 women. She's been beaten 14 times and she does not talk about that over expensive wine.

Just saying..there is good and there is bad. Across the globe.

Just saying...when you live within a bubble do not judge what lies outside of it.

Just saying...when you get on the plane to go home, you should know what to expect. You've lived it. A fake foreign accent does not change that.

So please don't complain about the pollution and the chaos and the inflation and the roads and all that jazz. And please do not think that having a life abroad now affords you the privileges of passing judgement on everything that you find wrong in India. And please do not claim that it distresses you so much because in my opinion if it really did and you really cared, you'd stay and do something about it.

Just saying.

Let there be wrinkles.

Age. Gracefully. Beautifully. And proudly.

Age. Because you will.

I do not judge nip and tuck. If that is for you, that is for you. Make no apologies for it. I make no judgements.

It is not for me. I believe in ageing. I believe there is a time to be 20 and then there is a time to be 40. The mind must evolve and grow. The body must follow suit.

Also, to me defying age is like picking a battle with it. A lost battle, really. Ageing happens. It's a question of when you decide to let it show.

And it does win in the end. All you can do is delay the win.

I, for one, like picking my battles. Wisely. I pick the ones I can win. Not the ones that "look" like I win. Pun intended.

A year back, I noticed the "under the eye" lines. They arrived. At 36. At first, I was bothered. Then when I read somewhere they are also called laugh lines, I was glad.

Glad that I had laughed. With my mom- we share this rather hysterical laughther over something funny my dad may have done. My dad is hardly ever amused by it but he is a good sport. We laugh till the the tears roll down. And then we laugh again.

With my kids. We laugh. My daughter, easily. My son, not so easy to please but when he finds something that will amuse him, he will laugh. Like, really laugh. Throw his head back and laugh.

My sis and I. We laugh. We have laughed as children and we laugh as adults. I have know that laugh for over 37 years now.

My best friend and I. Over the phone, over skype, over text messages, over chat, when we come together, when we are so far way, when we are upset, when we are sad, when we are happy. Almost every time we are talking to one another. I am going to know this laugh for the rest of my life.

My friend Susan- I think we bonded over laughing. And that fact that alsmost everyone around us then hardly ever laughed. We laughed at them.

My spouse and I. We laugh. On some of our toughest days, we laugh the laught. And that tides us over.

The night I laughed because my friend Gayatri's dog was on the loose and my girlfirends and I were chasing him in our pyjamas.

When my son yelled to the whole world he had butterfiles in his penis on the roller coaster.

When my 3 year old says "cimmunks" instead of "chipmunks".

When my best friend and I swear in Punjabi.

When I break into my best Hrithik moves.

Wrinkes, shminkles! These are my laugh lines. And everytime I see them , they remind me of all the times I have laughed. And I laugh.

And so, if more wrinkles under the eyes means more laughter.

Oh please, let there be more wrinkles.

On a serious note

To a friend with an incestous uncle, to victims of sexual abuse, to anyone who may have had a chance encounter of molestation....... to girls and women:


No, you may NOT
Feel me, caress me, slide your hand under my shirt.
Stare at me, as if I was merely an object of desire

Leer, ogle, push, touch
Encroach upon my space
Violate, humiliate, shame
Me although it is you who ought to be shamed

I remember now and I am angry
I am mad at having let you
I am sad for having been told it was my fault
When it was really all yours

Dress modest, they said
Do not smile, laugh, talk loud
Be invisible to the eye
Of the one that leers

But I did not want to be invisible
Why must I not be visible
This is my space as much as it is yours
I need to be seen and heard

And you did see and hear me
And then you did what you should not have done

Feel me, caress me, slide your hand under my shirt

Back then I felt a fear
And a loathing
And hate
And fear

But today all I feel is the anger
I am mad
For having let you do what you did
For having let them tell me that maybe it was after all my fault
But today I feel no fear
For I know now
It was not my wrong
It was yours

I am mad that I did not know it then
But now I do
And you can longer hurt me
Because if you do,
I will hurt you back.

Musings

Wife.Mother. Daughter. In law. Lawyer. Accountant. Sister. Friend. Confidante. Spouse. Are parts of who I am. And not who I am.

I am who I am. And who I choose to be. And strive to be. And become.

Free of all I was born into being. Made to be. Asked to be. Supposed to be. Those are just parts of me.

To be me. Is to be this. Free thinking. Free of stereotypes. Confident. To speak my mind. To stand my ground. Loving. So that I can be loved. As giving as deserving to receive.

To choose. My rights. My wrongs. A few vices is not a bad thing.

Womanhood. And all that is a part of it. And to know it all. And love it all. And embrace it all.

To do. Discover. Dream. Explore. Meet. Nurture. Live. Some if this. Some of that. Always seeking.

Life via Lens- A tree with character and a a few dried flowers

I love randomly discovering stuff as I am walking around the city. Stuff that is not obviously noticeable but will catch my eye. Today I saw two. The first is the tree growing on the UFT campus. Brown, leafless, devoid of any buds or leaves, branches that seem like an intricate network of veins. I like this tree. It has a certain character to it. And I am now waiting to see this tree once spring arrives. When the branches start sprouting buds, showing the first signs of life. And then in summer, when the leaf is no longer devoid but blossoming with life.



And then there were the bunch of dried flowers growing on the pathway that I take to work in the morning. Colorless, wet, shriveled up. Resolute through the long winter. Still there. Still standing. Still beautiful. These too, I will visit again when spring arrives. That will be another picture.

Life via lens- Another few happy days :-)

Keunsang, Gia, Rohan and scooters

Hanging out on a tree

The Boys

Bed spread fun!

Before cupcakes get baked, cupcake mixture gets eaten.

Life via Lens- A day in the life of a 7 and 3 year old

Mar 22: G and baby doll and R and Fluffy at bedtime.
Mar 21: Books before bed.

Mar 20: Scootering on Bloor street.

Mar 19: The world eats pancakes. I eat pancake mix.

Mar 18: Apparently, he's posing.

Life via Lens- A typical week day morning

Morning Chai. Subway. Breakfast on the Go. Stairs. Work at fifth floor.

A day in the life

I needed to start something new- a project to keep me creatively satisfied, something fun , something meaningful.

Started with my husbands idea of taking a picture a day of the kids. And so I started. And the one thing I told myself was that these would not be the typical pose for mommy pics at a special occasion or place- these would the random, spontaneous pictures of their life- moments and moods... Breakfasts, baths, friends, school, walks, sleep, tantrums even.

And it's been fun. And easy to do with the camera on the phone. At any moment of day when I remember to do it, I just click away.

And so yesterday as I downloaded the pictures from the phone to the computer, I smiled at what I saw. Rohan posing with his new scooter, Gia eating pancake mix, Rohan and his every morning big breakfast, a pose at the museum, a moment at the bookstore, fun in the bathtub. Smiles, frowns, poses, looks. Faces of a 7 and a 21/2 year old. Days of their lives. And days of mine.

Salon talk

Dolly. 50 something, short stature, clear skin, short dark hair, yellow sweater, blue jeans, sneakers. Chewing gum. Small eyes, mouth like a squirrel's.

As she waxed away the hair from my legs, she talked. She waxed and she talked. Wax on spatula, wax on leg, strip on leg, pulls hair out and talks.

About her many years of marriage to her first cousin. Who was 9 years older than her. About how happy she was with him and how fabulously she got along with her mother in law since her mother in law was also her aunt. It was all one family -hers and her husband's.

She spoke of her sons who chose to live in India. The older married to a "nice girl - an only child- she's like a princess, na, pampered" "So she also doesn't want to leave India and her family. She has help at home. She was a computer engineer, then she became a teacher and now she does not work- she does tutoring at home."

"She's a very nice girl and see we get along. We live far away from each other- that is always best- we talk on the phone. When I go there to visit, we get along, we travel, we go out for dinner. She is very nice"

The younger son, she said is 29 and refuses to get married. He keeps having girlfriends, only for 6 months. "What is that? Like this, he will be like my cousin who is 40 and single and keeps changing the girlfriend.I tell my son- like this you carry on, one day you will have to find a gay man. He gets annoyed with me so much when I say that, but I say that." Wax, strip, pull. One leg done.


Why did you move from Houston, I ask? Isn't it warmer weather there?

"See now, she starts "what to do sometimes in life? My husband got a good job here with the City. And life in the US now...really, nothing..it's getting worse. No benefits, everything really expensive. sometimes, then in life, you have to make this decisions. I miss Houston. I miss the warm sun. It's just too cold here. But I tell myself, D, only 3-4 months. But I miss Houston. Oh, all my friends, you know they miss me so much. They say D, why don't you come visit us? "

She misses Houston. Home of 10 years.

"Tomorrow I have my day off" this, out the blue.

"What do you do, on your day off?" Now I am fishing. Oh, I am!

"First, I will go to the YMCA, exercise, I like that" I like that too, D. See, now it is important to stay fit, Otherwise old people always thinking this is it, now we are old. "Then I will ask my friends in Houston to give me missed call and I will call them back. Oh, they miss me so much. So many friends I have. One of then has this plan, you can talk unlimited US to Canada. so they all come to her house and use that. And they tell me everything. About everyone.I just keep talking an talking and talking" I would have never guessed :-)

"That way I am talkative. My husband, he's very quiet. Too peaceful. Also, my older son. My God, I don't like talking to them. So quiet. Too much. Only my husband will talk to me. When I say ok you talk, then will start talking. He likes it. But he doesn't talk to anyone else, only likes talking to me." 27 years of marriage.

"Do you miss your sons" Hook, line...."yes, but what to do? Actually, it is okay , it is good this way. You know, once kids grow up, its better they are on their own, You live your life, I live mine. I like it that way. And it's best that way.

Can you turn this way? I'll wax the side now. Turn, wax, strip, pull.

It's very cold here in Canada. I miss my Houston. But what to do. In life, you have to make these decisions.

Why don't trips there, I ask? Long trips in winter?

"Haan, she says, that's nice. But my poor husband , he'll be alone. Poor thing."

"he's very nice, treats me like a queen. I told him, now my big birthday is coming. Everyday I tell him, my big birthday is coming." Dolly, he says, I'll have a nice party."

I tell him, my birthday is coming.

When, I ask, is your birthday?

September.

We're in February.

Okay, she says, all done. Now I will put some oil.

Celebrate

Birthdays. Anniversaries. Seasons. Life. Friendship. With balloons. And cake. For no reason. With friends. The New Year. With style. Yourself.

Love

A friend. To live. Happiness. Music. Dance. Your kids. Nature. The earth. Chocolate. To drink. Good food. Travel. Shoes. Yourself. Your dreams. To read. To write. Films. Color.

Live

Your life. A dream. Happily ever after. In the moment. Large. Within your means. A lie. Long. Creatively. Each day like it's your last. For yourself. A fully life. Out your passions. Your fantasy. Like there is no tomorrow. For a cause.

Nurture

A friendship. A child. A plant. A dream. An idea. A thought. A feeling. The body. The soul.