Such a powerful emotion!
Shandy passed away n her sleep last night. God bless her little soul. At least she didn't have to suffer pain. At least mom, dad didn't have to put her down.
Shandy- the last of our dacshunds.
Me. Not in a very good place today. I feel confused today. About where I am, what I am doing here, who I have become, who I want to be. About love, life, spouse, kids, friends, home, happiness, sadness, joy and all that.
But then , this too shall pass. Or shall it?
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
No more!
My previous post was , I think, the most honest post ever!All it said was crap! and I did want to write some more, but because of Gia getting fussy and moving around in my arms, somehow I hit the Publish Post button and therin was my blog.
But seriously, on some days,that's what it is! Crap.
And I don't want the crap. Call me spoilt....but seriously, no crap. Only good stuff.
But seriously, on some days,that's what it is! Crap.
And I don't want the crap. Call me spoilt....but seriously, no crap. Only good stuff.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
It's all coming together.
Someow, through the chaos, through the endless packing and purging, it's all coming together. Tommorow, they come and stage the place. And the first part is done.
Somewhow, it always gets done. Of course, there's no other option but to get it done.
Somewhow, it always gets done. Of course, there's no other option but to get it done.
Monday, September 29, 2008
The dream
And what a dream. Significant in so many ways. Telling in so many others. Empowering. Teaching.
First, it was the color. Black. I was wearing all black. A color I associate with confidence. A color that always empowers me. Makes me feel more confident than I actually am feeling.
I was standing on some sort of a very narrow bridge. Not even a bridge , more a narrow cemented long platform. Narrow, very narrow. Dangerously so.
And then there was the deep dark abyss below. A very frightening abyss of which I was terrified. Petrified, actually.
Petrified of the height I was at. Petrified that I would fall, even if I let out a single breath. That a single movement, even so slight, would plunge me downwards.
And so I was standing there absolutely paralyzed.
I called out for help. And no one heard me. And all I could hear was snoring.
And for a minute I felt that this was the end. I would fall.
And then , suddenly, the energy. I saw it in the physical sense, at first. In my body. In my muscles that were so taut, so toned, so powerful. The muscles in my abdominal core and in my arms. And then I felt the energy in the mental sense. In my mind telling me that this was not the end. That this was too soon to be the end. That I could get out of this. Easily and on my own.
And from the state of being too scared of even breathing, I lifted my arms upwards, grabbed the surface above me and in one great surge of muscular power, hoisted myself up. And lifted myself over the abyss. To safe ground.
And the rush, the adrenalin rush, man, that felt good. It was what I needed.
It is what I need.
First, it was the color. Black. I was wearing all black. A color I associate with confidence. A color that always empowers me. Makes me feel more confident than I actually am feeling.
I was standing on some sort of a very narrow bridge. Not even a bridge , more a narrow cemented long platform. Narrow, very narrow. Dangerously so.
And then there was the deep dark abyss below. A very frightening abyss of which I was terrified. Petrified, actually.
Petrified of the height I was at. Petrified that I would fall, even if I let out a single breath. That a single movement, even so slight, would plunge me downwards.
And so I was standing there absolutely paralyzed.
I called out for help. And no one heard me. And all I could hear was snoring.
And for a minute I felt that this was the end. I would fall.
And then , suddenly, the energy. I saw it in the physical sense, at first. In my body. In my muscles that were so taut, so toned, so powerful. The muscles in my abdominal core and in my arms. And then I felt the energy in the mental sense. In my mind telling me that this was not the end. That this was too soon to be the end. That I could get out of this. Easily and on my own.
And from the state of being too scared of even breathing, I lifted my arms upwards, grabbed the surface above me and in one great surge of muscular power, hoisted myself up. And lifted myself over the abyss. To safe ground.
And the rush, the adrenalin rush, man, that felt good. It was what I needed.
It is what I need.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Change. And then some more.
2008 has been about transitions. Major transistions. And here I am in, on Sept 10, 2008 finding myself at the brink of yet another one.
We are thinking of selling the condo. And as exciting as it may be, from a financial point of view, it is going to be a major change. And an even more major amount of work. Setting up the condo for viewing. Putting away stuff. Thinking of where to move. Packing. Unpacking. Moving out. Moving in. School districts. Neighborhoods.
And in between all that, two kids. The Franchise investment. Taxes. US properties.
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. My mind does not even want to think of all this. And yet there is no option but to think of all this.
Because this is life. Had I thought, at 23, life would be all this. NO. Big NO.
And yet, at 34, it is what it is right now. And the only way I make any sense of it to myself, is that it is all going to work out and work out for the best. Am I merely trying to convince myself, I don't know. All I know is that by thinking this, I get through it. And that is what I need to do right now. Get through this.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm the mind. Clear the thoughts. And get on with it.
Maybe 2009 will be the year. Then again, maybe not.
All I know is for now, 2008 is what I need to tackle. Starting tomorrow.
Let the change begin. Yet again.
We are thinking of selling the condo. And as exciting as it may be, from a financial point of view, it is going to be a major change. And an even more major amount of work. Setting up the condo for viewing. Putting away stuff. Thinking of where to move. Packing. Unpacking. Moving out. Moving in. School districts. Neighborhoods.
And in between all that, two kids. The Franchise investment. Taxes. US properties.
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. My mind does not even want to think of all this. And yet there is no option but to think of all this.
Because this is life. Had I thought, at 23, life would be all this. NO. Big NO.
And yet, at 34, it is what it is right now. And the only way I make any sense of it to myself, is that it is all going to work out and work out for the best. Am I merely trying to convince myself, I don't know. All I know is that by thinking this, I get through it. And that is what I need to do right now. Get through this.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm the mind. Clear the thoughts. And get on with it.
Maybe 2009 will be the year. Then again, maybe not.
All I know is for now, 2008 is what I need to tackle. Starting tomorrow.
Let the change begin. Yet again.
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